“It may sound strange, but the very word “responsibility” bothers me,” admits 35-year-old bachelor Alexander. — Literally, the whole body is tense. I don’t want to think about anyone depending on me. For example, if a woman demands some kind of commitment from me, I just start to suffocate, I feel like I’m stuck in an elevator.” The fear of being judged, of losing independence, of being responsible for one’s actions, desires, and choices… Avoiding responsibility has many faces, but the reason for it is almost always anxiety, which can turn into an annoying phobia. The psychological dictionary calls fear of responsibility “hypengiophobia.” Is it the genes? “Responsibility in the professional, family or moral sphere is undoubtedly a source of stress,— emphasizes French clinical psychologist Regine Frankel. — However, new discoveries in psychobiology, in particular the work of Jerome Kagan, a researcher from Harvard University (USA), show something else. About 20% of people have neurochemical features at birth that make them hypersensitive to stress and to any innovations. Due to hereditary factors, the part of their brain that controls fear is hyperactive and “panics” at the slightest alarm. In situations where they have to discuss their actions with others, when there is a chance of being judged, anxiety arises too quickly and powerfully. Hence the natural tendency to avoid such situations.” So, is the inability to take responsibility written in the genes? “Let’s just say: like any other aspect of our behavior, it is related to various factors, including this one,” says Regina Frankel. From fear of making a mistake to refusing to answer for it Anton refuses a leadership position: it is more comfortable for him to be a performer; Roman believes that his girlfriend is responsible for all the problems of their couple; Marina blames others for any conflict. Three different forms of behavior aimed at one thing — to hide their own shortcomings. A person who is constantly waiting to be accused of something, and unconsciously considers himself guilty. It sounds like a stern parental voice.: “You’re worthless, bad, you won’t achieve anything in life, and you should be punished.” In psychoanalysis, this unquestioning inner voice is called the “Superego.” Its power depends on how much parental prohibitions influenced us in childhood. The more a person idealizes his adamant father or perfectionist mother, the more often he feels like a target for other people’s assessments, feeling that he has been “sentenced” in advance. And, of course, I am sure that I am not worthy to take an adult, responsible position — this role is unconsciously assigned to dad and mom, and all that remains for him is unquestioning obedience or flight. What to do? Be more forgiving of yourself. The refusal to take responsibility is often based on an unconscious desire for perfection. What are its origins? Our parents never praised us or demanded too much. As a result, we believed: “To be loved, I have to be perfect. And if you don’t take responsibility, then no one will notice my weaknesses.” It is very important to realize that perfection is unattainable in this world. And it’s better to make mistakes from time to time than to do nothing at all. Reconsider your beliefs. Many people imagine that by running away from responsibility, they retain their freedom. This is a misconception. Your actions, your consciousness (with all its problems and blocks), the love that people have for you or that you dream about — if you are not responsible for all this, then someone else is responsible. Someone you’re from… you are completely dependent. Look into your fears. Becoming responsible means venturing out and accepting the consequences of your actions. As long as we see the problem on a global scale, it overwhelms us. Instead of constantly thinking, “I don’t want responsibility,” ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? At what moments is it especially painful for me to take it on myself?” Advice to an outsider Is he not fulfilling his promises? Does she change opinions like gloves without realizing it? By accusing such people of unreliability and fickleness, you will only assume the role of their harsh “Super-Ego.” But it is from his power that they are desperately trying to escape through irresponsible behavior. Calmly show your interlocutor the inconsistency of his actions, encouraging him to take more responsibility for his words. Perhaps his problem is that he has been treated like a child for too long, and there is little demand for him; make it clear to him that you are not his father and mother and you need to deal with an adult you can rely on. And do not blame him for his laziness or lack of ambition: first of all, he needs to restore self-confidence and realize his own worth. Source: www.psychologies.ru